Culturing Our Friends

The past two days Eric and I, along with the Goosen's went on a sudden

ski trip up to Mt. Ercyes-the second largest mountain in Turkey and an inactive volcano if that makes the story cooler for you. As we were driving to the ski resort it was warm, rainy, totally foggy= not great ski weather. We only had another 15 minutes driving time left before we got to the resort so we were pretty bummed that Erceyes would probably be a brown mountain with no snow on it.

As soon as we started the ascent with the car the rain turned to snow. The fog intensified so much that we guided the car between the four foot high snow banks on the roadside. We reached the ski resort and the only visible sign of a mountain was the chair lift at the bottom. The visibility was so poor that we couldn't see a single skier on the hill even though every chair lift was filled with people.

Let me take this moment to explain skiing in Turkey. With only one chairlift up and one path to come down you can imagine the chaos the skiing alone was. Out of the 400 or so Turks on the mountain there are maybe 10 people not snowplowing, falling, crashing down the hill. So navigating our way through the human moguls shouting out Sola (to the left), Sa'a (to the right) proved helpful. Now if it was just inexperienced skiers alone we could have managed but wait-there's more.

You can rent skis, sleds, snowmobiles, and hiking packs. One only has to walk up the same hill all the skiers are skiing down and proceed to hike around, sled , and try skiing for the first time. So while we are swishing and swooshing our way past the 400 inexperienced Turks, insane snowmobile drivers, and backpackers on the ONLY path downhill we reach the bottom 100 meters where maybe 500 more Turks are awaiting us with their sleds, beginner ski lessons, and photo ops. Hilarity ensues.

Back to the weather report-our first time up the ski lift was an experience. The wind was maybe 30 MPH blowing icy snow, and the fog made it so that we couldn't see the ground, the chair lift cables ANYTHING. It felt like someone (let's call him Satan) was holding a leaf blower filled with ice chunks an inch away from my body.

This trip entailed a lot of car time, driving to Cappadocia, driving to Ercyes, driving back to our pansion in Cappadocia, etc. etc. etc. While talking about how much we love the Turk breakfast we came up with a plan to let our American friends in on the secret. When we move back to the states for breakfast at our house you are getting a slice of salami, white cheese, black olives, french bread with honey or jam, cucumbers, tomatoes, and tea.

I thought all of you deserved more than just a morning Turkey treat. So, because I love you, and because you didn't come visit me in Turkey, I'm taking Turkey to you. This time we're going to the bathroom in Turkey.

When you first enter my Turk bathroom, (that I will install for you in America) you will notice that the toilet has been ripped out. I told the builder, "take that away, we don't need that junk around here". All we need is a hole in the ground surrounded by some porcelain that someone painstakingly made ridges in to provide traction. Traction is very important. Then you will see a small pitcher under neath a spigot. This is what you use to wash your bodily fluids down into the hole with. Another hose is behind the toilet, this will give you the satisfaction of a third world bidet without the cost of another entire toilet-let's be economical people.

See that teeny tiny little trash can in the corner with the lid a little askew? That's where you put your toilet paper when you are done using it. The lid can be opened with your big toe-provided you have your shoe off (and we don't recommend this). So malasef (unfortunately) you must raise the lid with your hand and now you see that the lid is askew because there is so much toilet paper in there it cannot close properly. In order for your toilet paper to remain on the heap and not fall off onto the floor you will need to push your toilet paper in amongst the other used toilet paper so that it stays where trash needs to stay-in the can.

You won't really need to worry about the toilet paper issue though because our bathroom will come equipped-like all good Turk toilets do, with no toilet paper. Leaving you to face a question that has plagued the minds of many before you.

I leave the choice to you my friend but here are some other alternatives that have proved useful in the past. 1. Search pockets for anything that could be used-old receipts, dollar bills or cough drop wrappers. 2. Yell for someone to please get you a paper towel from the hand washing area-just remember we can only speak Turkish when you are in the bathroom. 3. Drip dry-the thing about drip drying is that we ALL know you're not really dry-you shake your booty as best you can to eliminate as many drips as possible. Then with a look of sheer frustration and anger on your face you shimmy your little panties up and walk defeatedly out.

Be advised. The lever at waist height is not the flusher. That is your shower for your stay in our guest bathroom. Thank you and goodnight!