Over the last four months my mind has been in a state of confusion about where life is taking me. Why haven't I gotten my much sought after Masters yet, why can't I get a job, why don't I want to have children any longer-and other questions have been mentally running amuk. I have felt unhappy, dissatisfied, unable to change my course, and in general complainey about life. I grow weary of trying to find solutions when I live in two year increments with a non-traditional marriage.
So I resorted to dwelling on what would have happened had I:
- Had pursued my Masters straight away.
- Had been able to stay with Starbucks.
- Not gotten married.
- Etc.
My mind relished in the thoughts of this independent intelligent career woman with nothing to hold her back. As I compared my "what if" life to my present life it only drew me further into disappointment, discouragement and self pity.
While preparing for my Bible Study this evening on what the Bible says about being a wife, I stumbled across this verse quite by accident. "But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." All of the last four months of mental confusion came rushing forth and a God was able to break through my ungrateful and confused mind to gently remind me that...
I chose my life with full intelligence, wisdom, sound mind and desire. I was not coerced into this choice but prayerfully I entered into every step of it. Here I stand "looking back" and I am becoming a pillar of salt, a very bitter woman.
With all the love and tenderness the great God of mercy has for me He asked me a question. Would I like to turn into the pillar of salt and be so preoccupied with the past that my name is not even worth mentioning, or if I would like to accept my circumstances and carry on with all faith that He will carry me through.
Oh Jesus, that I would not be such an unpleasant picture of self pity. Take away my self-centered desires for I surrender; redeem me once again.
2 comments:
I love you, your eloquence, wisdom and beauty; the strong woman you have become.
You are very, very loved, and I can't wait to see you again so that I can wrap my arms around you and give you a great big hug.
Stumbled upon your blog and I just had to comment about this post. This really hit home with me because I often find myself dissatisfied with life and wondering what would have happened if I had done everything differently. Great words of wisdom for me this morning. Thank you!
Jill Pennington :)
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