REDeemed

Spiritually God and I are patching. He is showing me more about what the last three years were (even though he didn't have to) and i am learning that He is VERY interested in me dying to myself, and not trying to BE the mirror for Jesus or reflect Him. He wants me to GO AWAY and HE wants to shine forth. HALLELUJAH. No more DO just BE. I have realized that before i thought it was my responsibility to SHINE my Jesus light as brightly as i could by; quoting and memorizing scripture, being an example of the Fruits of the Spirit and muster up good ol' fashioned Grace and compassion the way Jesus would. What they got was a SPIRITUAL FRUIT CAKE!! So quietly Jesus took away my tools, and believe me i was building a big ol' reflection mirror. And he let me be alone for a while. He continued to pour grace upon grace so that i would begin to look at Him and not at how i was doing reflecting Him. Can i see Him in me? was not supposed to consume my thoughts anymore but rather, can i see Him at all? And i think you know that i couldn't very well. So the fruit cake got moldy, the tools began to rust to where they didn't work anymore and I began to receive His grace the only way He knows how to give it out-undeserved. I loved the gifts He gave, although i was very angry He was being such a nice guy when i disliked Him so much. "Dear Jesus, thank you for heaping burning coals on my head." Love Laura. He gave me what i needed to be without Eric, He gave me DEAR friends that He sneakily touched through my skin when I WASN'T EVEN LOOKING!!! It makes me polar frustrated a: frustration i couldn't watch while He worked and B: frustrated that He was working and I didn't get to be a part of it. Well, every word rebuked me. The answer would be there in my mind before i uttered the last word, the pride would hiss as i made the period drop on my sentence like oil on a hot skillet, and yet still as never before the GRACE would rebuke me. Grace finally felt undeserved, i mean how could i deserve it, i was really NOT BFF's (Best friends forever) with God. Grace finally felt like Fatherhood a gift to a dear child with a message that I am completely loved but I am not without sin. Thank you Father for the gentle reprimand this time, thank you that I can see now that you were that gentle the whole time. Thank you for redeeming me.